A Glimpse of Resentment and Appreciation

Eventually the Care Giver who survives the death of a spouse reaches a stage of just plain resentment and criticism. When the tears of grief over the spouse have dried, eventually there can come a time of rational survey of just what has gone wrong with life.

 

Here we were, immersed in a life of happiness together and then a vicious killer intruded with the intent of destruction of beauty and goodness.

 

How can a human not be resentful and feel anger? These emotions are not to be denied. I know that some respond by their own death although not by overt suicide. I can  understand that choice. There is no shame in collapsing as a physical being and joining the beloved in the beyond, where ever that may be. 

 

In my instance I have chosen to live on and be as creative as possible. Now all that I think and create in writing and human relationships is colored by resentment at the natural order. I want to give that reality a hopeful face that is reflective of what we were before Alzheimer's disease. This is sounding like embracing the vicious side of Nature in a larger framework of meaning

 

That "embracing" is one challenging assignment. It means taking in stride the acid taste of intended poison of the spirit. There is a chance that mental paralysis will be the result. I know enough about what can happen in people to be aware that I am in a vulnerable place. 

 

Expression of this feeling is basic to growing maturity as a human being. Perhaps resentment and resulting criticism can be topped by appreciation. Perhaps new vistas of what people can be will appear as the horizon turns into reality. Creation of the New is forever possible.  The question comes back to me - Am I up to it?

Delton