Choosing First Words

First words of the morning.  First words of a conversation.  First words of an informal greeting. First words of a presentation. First words of the evening greeting to self as sleep happens. This is what we do in the course of every day.

"How are you!" is the usual informal greeting. It all sounds so innocent and throw away. Something I have learned is that a person being greeted may well be having a really bad day and now how to respond to this intrusive greeting?  One may wish to say " None of your business!" or "Let me tell you about this terrible thing happening in our family!".  The person doing the greeting expects to hear " Just fine, how are you?"  And thus a standoff is created with both parties trying to get this all over as soon as possible.

This may well be the reason "Hello!" was created. Little confrontation there. It says "I see you and you see me."  Conversation not demanded. An opening to conversation may be appropriate or both parties may go on their way.

The creator of the first words of a presentation needs to remember that the first ten seconds or so are given to orientation by the listener. "Who is this, what am I about to hear, and is this worth my attention."  Then attention to meaning may or may not happen.

First words of the day may be the hardest of all. They often set the tone of the day. There is not much time to think.  If one can have presence of mind at such a time, the brain often brings up something that really does need attention this day. At least remember the mental suggestion and make a note of it. So I intend and sometimes do this usually to good effect.

Choosing Your Last Words

Consider that your or my last words may happen in the midst of a conversation when a heart attack or stroke takes us away. How troubling to have an obituary when it is noted that his last words were a harsh complaint about another person or despair in the face of political paralysis in the nation or a curse word.  It gives one something to think about. Perhaps that is why public obituaries rarely if ever include last words. 

I have been thinking about this during today.  Many of us wander on about the weather and the holes in the streets and the gnats when in public conversation.  Then conversations can veer off into gossip or some serious personal issues or opinions about the world around.

As a male I can assure you that some of us do use expletives on occasion. When in a terminal state most social niceties are set aside. I will let you fill in the blank space after, "Oh............."

Dealing with this possibility means preparation. Many of us wish to have some hand in how we will be remembered at our final departure.

1. The first step is to remind self that a sudden interruption of conscious life could happen to this person.

2. Think of words that you would like to say. Be brief.

3. Write the words down on paper and/or in the computer, smart phone, ipad or other device that you find helpful.

4. Practice using the words by repeating them to yourself and then using them in conversation. You may be surprised at your own inward reaction.  If someone asks what you are up to, tell them right up front.

5.  My words are based on many years experience as a clergy person frequently dealing with death, its circumstances and aftermath.

6. Give the last words idea a try. It can't hurt.

Today I fell headlong into victim thinking.

On the way home from meeting with some other people I was walking in a rain storm with wind. Securely dressed I was keeping dry and warm. Then at an open field area the wind became forceful - at least 30 mph. It caught me off guard and threatened to push me over. A walking stick helped so that I could stop and brace my legs and the stick and not fall over. As I proceeded across the open area the wind came in gusts. Each time I had to brace myself and press on in order to get home. I got home okay but in a mood of realism over the power of nature. 

I could have been the victim of a strong wind. That led to thoughts about the intrusion of memory loss into our family. One easily reaches the conclusion that we are victims of the whims of nature be it storms that destroy or memory loss that destroys persons and families. Perhaps we are helpless. Dealing with such thoughts is a challenge for surviving care givers. 

As I was being consumed by self pity a phone call came from a person for whom I was a counselor thirty years ago.
Without thinking I began to talk as a victim. At first my remarks caught him off guard but then it dawned on him that it was time for him to counsel me in the here and now.  He had called to tell me about strengths that he has developed and that his work has been built on those early years of insecurity. Out of that strength he could hear what is happening to me and almost literally lift me up. What a gift given by experience.

I hope to be able to spot victim thinking more quickly in me and learn how to interrupt that train of thought. All who survive Care Giving and live on have much to learn because they have personally witnessed the power of nature which includes destruction of people through many illnesses and accidents. That experience can help know how to respond to another person who has fallen into victim thinking.

Delton

A New World

Here it is mid 2014. Since 2011 posts we have been immersed in Memory Loss as my spouse has been invaded by the unwelcome hazard and destroyer that so many do not want to even think about.

As a caregiver I was almost taken down and made into a dead person by forces of entropy. Constant attention to my dearest spouse Joan who began to exhibit memory loss takes more investment of energy than I could manage to bring to the scene. A seizure several months ago took me out of the front line of the battle. I have survived to this point.

My world is a new world in that I no longer feel like all problems can be solved.  We shall see how many more posts appear.
Delton